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[personal profile] starrymite
I think I'm feeling too emotionally sensitive to do social sites right now. I just blew up at someone on tumblr and mentioned personal things about my children *again*. I had another outburst over something else unrelated yesterday, and I'm afraid that if I continue to try to communicate in public online, people will start to suspect I'm a complete basket case. I'm not. And I love my life and I have so much to be gratefull for. And I'm not saying this to try to sound saintly or something (that'd be a laugh), but I'm honestly grateful for the hardships I've faced and am continuing to face now. Because I remember what I was like as a twenty-year-old and how selfish and self absorbed I was and it makes me sick to remember that. And I'd still be that way if I hadn't had to give of myself to children who need so much from me. My sons are my saving grace and I need them far more than they need me. But I still have so much pain that is more than I know how to yet deal with, and when I'm easily stirred up like I am now, I start vocalizing that pain when I don't want to. I feel like the pain I express out of a broken heart for my kids in their suffering makes me look vulnerable and pathetic in the eyes of many others. And the pain that I express that is directed inward that shows that I still haven't rooted out all my feelings of self pity like I hoped I had, makes me contemptible in my own eyes. I know the solution isn't to bottle all this up. But I can't let this spill out in public. I need to find someone I can talk to privately about all of this.
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