(no subject)

[starrymite]

I think I'm feeling too emotionally sensitive to do social sites right now. I just blew up at someone on tumblr and mentioned personal things about my children *again*. I had another outburst over something else unrelated yesterday, and I'm afraid that if I continue to try to communicate in public online, people will start to suspect I'm a complete basket case. I'm not. And I love my life and I have so much to be gratefull for. And I'm not saying this to try to sound saintly or something (that'd be a laugh), but I'm honestly grateful for the hardships I've faced and am continuing to face now. Because I remember what I was like as a twenty-year-old and how selfish and self absorbed I was and it makes me sick to remember that. And I'd still be that way if I hadn't had to give of myself to children who need so much from me. My sons are my saving grace and I need them far more than they need me. But I still have so much pain that is more than I know how to yet deal with, and when I'm easily stirred up like I am now, I start vocalizing that pain when I don't want to. I feel like the pain I express out of a broken heart for my kids in their suffering makes me look vulnerable and pathetic in the eyes of many others. And the pain that I express that is directed inward that shows that I still haven't rooted out all my feelings of self pity like I hoped I had, makes me contemptible in my own eyes. I know the solution isn't to bottle all this up. But I can't let this spill out in public. I need to find someone I can talk to privately about all of this.

Comments

[mek]

I saw the post in question. Needless to say, I wanted to ram my fist at the ignoramus who said those vile things in the first place. Some people are just sick.

[starrymite]

Seeing that exchange was really just the coup de grâce for me. It would have effected me badly on a normal day anyway, but my hormones have been crazier than they've ever been before and I've been hyper sensitive to everything. Add to the the fact that that person was touching on a deap seated fear of mine. I often wonder what my boys' lives will be like when I'm no longer around to protect them. And just knowing there are people out there like that who would hate them just for existing absolutely chills me to the bone.

But I'm doing a whole lot better right now. Yesterday was such a wonderful day for me. And I got to talk to someone about a lot of stuff that was bothering ms. And I'm feeling calmer now and I'm reminding myself that my children have a good large support system all around them. And as easy to love as they are, they will always have friends around looking out for them.

[mek]

I just can't even fathom what sort of vile evilness inside would prompt someone to say such things. I don't know what their personal story is (and if that's how they feel about intellectually disabled people, then I sure as hell never want to know), but they probably never had to have self-sacrificed for anyone different than them in their entire lives.

I am so sorry you had to see that. I was far too tired at that moment to get back out of bed to post a reply from my laptop, but needless to say, posts like that garbage prove my point that, for all the good that's come out of the site, Tumblr is a hive full of the purest scum and villainy at times.

As difficult as it can be at times, especially when you encounter jerkoffs like that, take heart in that you do have a support system out there -both locally and online- and people who care about you and your children. <3