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[personal profile] starrymite
Lately I haven't been able to stay on course with any plan that I come up with for a project. The ideas for my children's book just aren't coming and at this point I really doubt that I have the skills yet to pull it off. That's why I've been trying to work so hard on my draftsmanship skills. But I'm not improving very fast, and this has completely drained me of the last but of confidence that I have in myself as an artist.

But then seeing that Marc Chagall exhibit the other day was so up lifting. When I first started painting, all I cared about was color and expressiveness. I couldn't draw, but I didn't care that much because I felt free to express what I wanted to with color and simple forms. But I also love art that tells a story, so I eventually started learning how to draw, which I don't regret of course. However I'm feeling like at this point I've gotten so obsessed with improving my drawing skills that I've lost my creativity. I'm so focused on all my technical flaws that I don't feel much freedom to just create.

A few weeks ago I started a series of small oil paintings of the mysteries of the Rosary. It's something that I'm doing for my personal devotional purposes and I haven't wanted to show them to anyone. They are more abstract because I can't be adequately expressive enough with these subjects if I stick to my awkward illustrative style. But in a few of these pictures I feel like I'm starting to break free creatively. Just a little bit though. And I'll want to do all the paintings that I've already done over again. But it does seem that working on something that has a very personal meaning to me seems to be helping me artistically. Today I tried to do a study on ArtRage simply because I'm tired of using up all my art supplies on preliminary studies. There is an aspect of this picture that I like, but I don't feel like I'm "there yet". And that's pretty much how I feel about all these paintings. But at least I feel like they are coming from a very genuine place in me and these subjects move me to be more creative. Although I've posted a picture of that ArtRage study today, I still don't know if I want to post pictures of some of the other paintings in this series. It makes me nervous because it's so personal and on top of that I have this nagging feeling like I shouldn't tackle such lofty subject matter until I improve as an artist. And also most people follow me because of fannish stuff. But then at this point, I'm so darn tired of worrying about my inadequacies and what other people think about me, that I may just stop worrying about this out of sheer exhaustion.


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January 2014

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